I am about to talk about gritty, non-art related things. Feel free to pass this one up.
—
In the physical-social world, being alone is considered a red flag. Something done to someone, because they are at fault or are deemed difficult to be around. Otherwise it is what someone does to themselves because they are confused, lost, or weird. Regardless of who decides it, the general consensus is that if you’re alone - you must be lacking in value. It takes a lifetime of learning to be comfortable in that limbo state.
But on the internet, I’m suddenly running into the opposite. The rules seem to be inverted.
Here, you can never be alone enough. It appears I’ve accidentally waddled into a competition of who suffers the most - and any crumb (real or imagined) of contentment, wellbeing, success, or happiness - will get you kicked out of the field entirely.
Yes, I’m talking about a growing response to my vlogs. Specifically, that I have a husband. I have not gone into the details of my relationship and its unconventional nature, or how it is that I still spend the majority of my time alone despite also maintaining a relationship. I find myself wondering what people must imagine when I say I have a husband… because if they knew the reality, they wouldn’t feel so misled or upset by the titles of my videos.
a comment reads…
“You don’t know what it’s like to really be alone. I am actually alone, I know what it’s like and it’s terrible. You’re fake. You’re misleading people.”
Who gets to speak openly about their experience of being alone? Of learning to be alone but not lonely and the transformative value it provides?
If someone lives the majority of their life grappling with the challenges of being alone, and eventually arrives at a place where they can now choose to be alone each day - and my goodness, finds someone else who understands and also chooses to be alone each day - are they no longer allowed to speak on the topic? Do they no longer have the high score?
Does someone need to maintain their state of isolation to really know what it’s like to be alone? To have something to say about it?
a comment reads…
“All humans have parents, which are family, even if you do not acknowledge them. They may be mean, or deceased, but they gave you life.”
I have lived a life characterized by learning how to be alone. From childhood to this day, people have never understood what I mean when I say “no really, I do not have any family to go to if bad things happen”. But I don’t expect them to get it, because how could they possibly know if they haven’t lived it?
Beginning around the age of eight and remaining until about twenty-two, a desire to find a way out of life was ever present in me. A few times, I acted on this desire, and thankfully I am still here to finally see another perspective on it all. These days I love most things about life (even when the world gets ridiculous), and I now see infinite play where I previously saw only pain.
It was the deep aloneness that pushed me to those dark places, yet ironically, it was also where I learned to overcome them. My experiences of being alone have simultaneously been my hardest days and my greatest gifts.
I have learned to be alone but not lonely. It was, and may possibly continue to be the greatest endeavor of my life. It is what I wish to express, it is what I wish to give to others both in times of suffering and in times of embracing one’s own joy. If it has given so much to me, why couldn’t it give so much to others too?
a comment reads…
“I was duped too. I hate this click bait. It’s hurtful for those of us who are completely alone but pulled in by the title.”
I know I am not the most alone person on this planet. I know how privileged I am to have even just one relationship in my life. I know others have it harder than me in ways I can’t even begin to imagine.
But I also know of the ways in which I did not have it easy. I know of the ways in which I’ve been challenged nearly to the cost of my life. I know the reality of what I have seen, gone through, and come out the other side of. And I know of the value in expressing these things to the best of my ability, without competing to prove that I deserve to share the things I choose to share with the world.
this is a log of art, creative exploration, & ordinary life
⋆
find my art here: www.jasminecherry.com/art
I understood your content as you sharing what you love doing when you are alone and why you choose and like to be alone most of the time. Having a husband does not contradict that for me. However the relationship may look and especially if you both like spending time alone.
I think you did a good job addressing the comments without getting too much into defending your own experiences and definitions. It was indeed brave of you to share your past, thank you.
Your take on being alone and creating is actually wholesome for me, I never thought about it being a competition or that you wanted to show how bad that is, on the contrary. But there are a lot of people out there who always need to compare. Which is surely one thing that gets in the way of enjoying to be alone and just do what you love.
All the best 💛
The last lines of the David Whyte poem, Alone, really offer an elevated defense for all of us who chase solitude to feel complete:
“To want to be alone is to refuse a certain kind of conversational hospitality and to turn to another door, and another kind of welcome, not necessarily defined by human vocabulary. It may be that time away from a work, an idea of ourselves, or a committed partner is the very essence of appreciation for the other, for the work and for the life of another; to be able to let them alone as we let ourselves alone, to live something that feels like a choice again, to find ourselves alone as a looked-for achievement, not a state to which we have been condemned.”
Thanks for your wonderful post.